


Make music out of me

by PrimalScream



Series: Nurse/Cop/Paramedic/Doctor AU [3]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Choking, M/M, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 04:15:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9367556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimalScream/pseuds/PrimalScream
Summary: John has been a paramedic for six years, James is the new attending at Kings County.  John just wants James to talk to him, is that really so much to ask?Total AU. John still has both legs, and the Hamilton's never existed here.You don't need to read the rest of the series to get this one.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Huge, huge thank you to Rachel for editing. You are my susperstar. 
> 
> I played with it after she gave it back, sooo....glaring errors are mine, give a girl a heads up?

At twelve years old, while on winter break from school, John falls a little in love with Noah Wylie as Dr. John Carter on ER. He’d been channel surfing, looking for something to watch, and he’d landed on TNT. On the screen, Carter was commanding and sure as he barked orders to the people around him. John had been captivated from then on. For the next several years, John splits his jerk off time equally between Noah and Julianna Margulies, and to this day, he blames his white coat and stethoscope kink on this show.

But more than that, he can thank the show for driving him into the field of medicine. While he debates full fledged medical school, he finds himself more fascinated by the paramedics. First on the scene and sometimes the only thing standing between life and death. He thinks about the adrenaline rush and how powerful it must feel to know that you have someone’s life in your hands. John takes the classes, passes the test and then dons the uniform.

He’s one of the lucky ones. He doesn’t lose his first patient until he’s twenty-six. He spends every waking hour going over every detail of the call. Did they drive fast enough? What if they’d gotten there a minute sooner? What if John hadn’t stopped to grab the extra medical bag? What if he’d put his gloves on faster? Tiny details stand out to him until he’s driven himself around the bend with what-ifs. He can’t sleep for thinking of all the things he could have changed and maybe one of them would have been the key to saving that woman’s life. The only rest he can find is in the bottom of a bottle. It quiets the demons that tell him he’s not good enough and that he should just give it up, quiets the voices that tell him a child has lost their mother and it’s his fault. The bottle is the only thing that allows him to sleep. Only the love of friends had kept him from washing his career and his life away with liquor.

Now he keeps the drinks for social occasions only and he sees the department shrink after every loss, but mostly he leans on his friends. And while every loss still strikes him deeply, he’s learned how to live with them. He’s learned that it’s not his fault that people die and he’s never going to be able to save everyone. It keeps him sane, keeps him from spiraling out of control.

***

Billy and Charles both look up as John plops his tray down at their table. Whenever the three of them are on together they meet in the hospital cafeteria for lunch. John’s been working for FDNY EMS for six years and has been friends with Billy ever since they met during an annual CPR refresher training course five years ago. They’d gotten along instantly and he’d begun seeing Billy at the hospital more and more often. Their friendship had continued to grow until they were meeting outside of work as well as within their roles as public servants. He figures Billy’s the best friend he’s ever had and more like family than not.

Once John is settled he turns to Charles, “Who's on tonight?”

“Flint.” Charles answers around a mouthful of mac ‘n’ cheese.

“Fuck.” John sighs.

‘I don't know why you don't like him.” Billy chimes in.

“I never said I didn't.” John feels his shoulders hunch up around his ears.

The first time he’d seen James in action, John had been drawn like a moth to a flame.

_John had been on the tailend of a call, leaning on the nurses station, filling out the last of the paperwork for the case they’d just brought in when shouting had drawn his attention. Exam one held two nurses, the guy John assumed to be the new attending, based on his dress shoes and suit pants, and a guy with a twelve inch piece of rebar sticking out of his thigh._

_“Curt I need you to settle down, okay?” James’s voice is low and calming despite Curt’s hysteria. “Can you look at me?”_

_Curt stops his frantic shouting and looks at James, his eyes wide and scared. “Curt, this is Denise, and Sharon, they’re going to help us. Denise is a trauma nurse, she’s going to call for x-ray, while I’m calling for the surgeon. And I need you to tell Sharon what happened. Do you think you can do that?” When Curt’s eyes start to stray to his leg again, James says Curt’s name firmly and Curt’s eyes turn toward Sharon._

_Curt starts talking to Sharon tells her the story of how he ended up with re-bar in his thigh and by the time James is off the phone with surgery, x-ray is there and Curt’s view of his leg is completely obstructed. They give Curt a shot of morphine once he’s calmed down. John is a little in awe as he watches James roll the gurney down the hall toward the elevator talking with Curt the entire time._

Billy and Charles both just stare at him. “What? He’s got a God complex and he’s an ass.” John says defensively.

“He saves lives every day for a living, he’s earned it.” Billy’s tone is only slightly admonishing.

“I save lives too and _I_ manage not be a prick.” John stabs a green bean, refusing to look at either of them.

“You became a paramedic to get laid.” Billy reminds him.

“I said that once when I was drunk and it was a joke. You can’t hold it against me forever.” John grumbles.

“I can, I do, and I will continue to do so as long as it makes your face turn that color.” Billy points his fork at him and just smiles.

“He’s the best doctor in this hospital, John.” Charles is always the reasonable one.

“I never said he wasn’t.” John tries to level his tone, the look on Charles’s face tells him he failed.

“Then what’s your problem?” John understands why Charles is offended on his friend's behalf, but Charles doesn’t know the whole story and John needs them both to back the fuck off.

James Flint really is the best trauma doc in the region. John remembers when this cocky, gruff man had come to King’s County two years ago and turned the entire ER on it’s ear. Too many people had been half-assing their way through the job and James had no tolerance for it. Anyone who didn’t come up to James’s standard found themselves the proud owner of a transfer or a pink slip. James’s reputation had earned him the ear of the administration, no questions asked, and when James said jump they asked how high.

Those who stayed on and showed the level of care James expected were compensated with a higher wage. Nurses were hard to come by, and good ones were like a needle in a haystack, so James was always the first to go to bat for them. To this day, James was the only doctor John had ever met who valued his nurses over everyone else. That alone had garnered John’s respect.

John is jarred back to the present when Billy half laughs and absently puts in, “John wants to date him.”

“Fuck you, I do not.” John answers after too long of a pause. “Shut up.” John winces at the petulant way he sounds.

“Oh my god, you really do.” Billy’s eyebrows go up and he looks closely at John before pointing at Charles across the table, “We’ve got a mission.”

“You don’t have a mission. If I wanted into Flint’s pants I’d have been there already.” John decidedly does not look up from his plate.

‘Right. Sure you would have.” Billy nudges John under the table, momentarily distracted, “Hey isn’t that your new partner.”

John looks over his shoulder and then slides down in his chair. “He’s not that new and do not call him over here.”

“Why? What happened?” Charles asks.

“I can’t believe you haven’t heard.” Billy and Charles look at each other and shrug, waiting for John to continue. “So you know Sheri in peds?”

“Yeah.” They answer in unison.

“So a few weeks ago, that bag of dicks asks her out. Sheri goes. What he doesn’t tell her is he has a live-in girlfriend and three kids. So you know how she finds out? They’re on the couch, clothes half off and here comes the live-in, flipping on the lights.”

“Fucking breeders.” Charles says as he shakes his head.

John continues after a short laugh, “So the live-in starts screaming at him, and he’s screaming back and Sheri is just there, half naked, like ‘what the fuck’, and then out come two of the three kids. The other kid is only six months old.”

“You’re kidding me?” Billy is slack jawed.

John shakes his head, “Not even a little.”

“Holy shit.” John’s only marginally surprised that they once again answer in unison.

Billy’s radio crackles to life, traffic accident. As he stands up he points at John, “I haven’t forgotten about getting you into Flint’s pants.” He drops a kiss on Charles’s lips and then he’s out the door.

“Is he right?” Charles asks John gently once Billy is out of earshot.

Charles has always been the easier of the two of them to talk to, but John’s not ready to have this conversation with anyone, let alone a man who works side by side with James most nights. Charles is probably closer to James than anyone else in the hospital. They play basketball on Tuesday nights and Charles had even managed to get James involved at the shelter down the street from the hospital where Charles volunteers in his spare time.

“No, and if you could reign Billy in I’d appreciate it.” Charles just nods and John goes back to his lunch.

What John doesn’t say is that he’s already been in James’s pants. Repeatedly. In various storage closets, the alley behind the ER, the on call room, and once in an empty exam room. The problem is that James still barely talks to him, and every time John tries to start a conversation, James closes up like a clam and walks away. John is starting to think it's personal.

They’d met by accident over a patient and John had felt the electricity arc between them immediately. He’d even seen the recognition of it in James’s eyes as well.

_John is holding pressure to a wound on an eleven year old girl who’d been seated at the back of a school bus that had been rear ended when the new attending sweeps in. John hadn’t met him just yet, but he’d heard plenty. All anyone had been able to talk about was how green his eyes were and how fit he looked in a pair of scrubs. Looking at him now John has to agree. They work in tandem for several minutes before James’s eyes meet his over the girl between them and John swears he hears himself sigh._

_It’s like one of John’s sister’s cheesy romance novels. He’s hit with a spark of attraction so strong that he swears his heart stops for just a second and it seems like time slows down. James quirks an eyebrow at him, half a smile on his face. Then he’s bumped out of the way by Janice as she takes over for him and the moment is gone._

_As John's walking out of the room he looks over his shoulder only to see James’s head turned in his direction and his eyes most definitely looking at John’s ass._

_John can’t wipe the smile from his face for days. He looks for James every time he’s in the ER but they keep missing each other and the few times he does see him it’s only in passing as James is on his way to one emergency or another._

_Three weeks after that James had pinned him to the wall and shoved his tongue so far down John’s throat that John’s surprised James didn’t recite to him what he’d had for dinner._

_The hospital had been short staffed that night because of virtual white out conditions. One of the nurses had commandeered his partner as an extra set of hands on another case, so it had just been the two of them with the patient in exam room one. John had just waved his former partner off, staying planted on the gurney over the fifty year old man he was doing compressions on while James bagged him. They worked on him for half an hour and had shocked him twice but they hadn’t been able to save him._

_After calling time of death, James had given him a look. Something hot and dark and desperate that to this day still sends a shiver down John’s spine. He’d followed James to the on-call room and had proceeded to get the blow job of his life. Once he’d returned the favor he’d tried to talk to James, only to have himself ignored as James buttoned up and walked out of the room._

He’s seen James calm children and their parents alike, watched him treat the elderly with a reverent respect John has seldom seen. As hard as he’s tried, he can’t reconcile the disconnect between the James he’s seen with patients and the James who almost refuses to speak to him yet is willing to take him apart inch by inch until John comes so hard his eyes cross. John doesn't know what changed between one second and the next but from that first moment in the on-call room to now, James has avoided any contact except for the backroom activities they got up to on the night shift.

It’s almost like clock work. Anytime they’re on together they end up in some secluded spot in the middle of the night praying they don’t get caught, their hands and mouths all over each other. John knows he should put a stop to it, he knows this isn’t going to end the way he wants it to, but he can’t seem to stay away. Everything about James calls to him and John is as hooked as a junkie.

He pushes food around on his plate for another five minutes before giving up. He tells Charles he’ll see him later, returns his dishes, and leaves the cafeteria. He’s answering a text from his sister when someone grabs him and pulls him into the on-call room.

James pushes him against the metal lockers before locking the door and then he’s on his knees, hands working at John’s pants.

“James, what are you—shit.” It's the middle of the fucking day and anyone could walk by, they usually reserve this for the night shift. It’s not like they’re not both on tonight and won’t have time later.

James swallows his cock without preamble. His mouth is hot and wet as he takes John down. John has to bite his tongue so hard it almost bleeds to keep from moaning out load. His hands go to James’s hair, the dark gold strands come loose from their ponytail and slide through John’s fingers as he grips the back of James’s head.

“God, your mouth.” John moans as he traces James’s lips where they’re slick with spit and stretched tight around his cock. James is so fucking good at this that it makes John dizzy. It’s been a week since their last encounter. John stopped jerking off months ago, after the fourth time they ended up coming all over each other, now he just waits, just saves it all for James.

It’s been long enough that the feel of James’s tongue twisting around the head of his cock has him close to the edge already. He tightens his fist in James’s hair, pulls him back. His eyes snap open and he stares up at John. He looks fucking obscene. Lips swollen and red, eyes heavy lidded, cheeks flushed and a single strand of saliva hanging from his bottom lip.

John shoves back in roughly and James moans around him as his head presses back into John’s hand. John’s hips thrust forward, his cock sliding over James’s tongue, catching at the back of his throat before sliding out again. He traces the head over James’s lips, paints them with his own precome.

James sits back on his heels. John sees how hard James is, sees how his cock tents his pants. “Take yourself out.” It’s barely above a whisper but James hears and obeys immediately.

He’s always like this, never hesitating to do what John says. James unfastens his pants and pulls down the zipper. He tucks his pants and underwear under his balls and then his cock is on display for John. He’s so hard the foreskin has pulled partially back and John can see the precome glistening at the slit, the head bright red.

John pulls James’s head back, “Lick your palm.” John waits for James to do as he said. James licks several long stripes over his palm and fingers and John’s cock twitches at the thought of how it feels when it's his cock under James’s tongue. “Stroke yourself slowly, don’t come.”

Once James has his hand on his cock John shoves back into James’s mouth, fucks deep into the back of his throat, his eyes never leaving the sight of James’s hand on his cock. James’s hand starts to speed up to keep time with John’s hips.

“Slow.” John tells him. James immediately slows down, eyes closing, head tilting back giving John all the permission he needs. John fucks in and out, gaze trained on the slow glide of James’s hand. James’s cock is wet and so hard he has to ache. John pulls James’s head off and he gets to his knees in front of James.

Hes takes both of their cocks in his hand and strokes them fast. Between the spit on John’s cock from James's mouth and the precome leaking from James cock they’re sliding in a hot wet channel created by their hands. The friction of skin on skin is so good John feels a shiver rush down his spine. James’s cock feels perfect as it slides against his, their cock heads gliding and catching in all the right ways.

He leans in and takes James’s mouth in a hard, desperate kiss. He tastes himself on James’s tongue and can’t stop the moan that escapes his mouth. James starts fucking up into John’s fist, their cocks rubbing together as they pant into each other’s mouth.

John can’t take his eyes off the way they look together, he sees James’s cock twitch, and knows he’s about to come, “Come on, do it.”

James bites his lip and comes over their fists in hot pulses that John uses to slick his own way. He keeps hold of both their cocks, fucking against James even as James whimpers at the sensitivity. It only takes him a few strokes to follow James over the edge, body twitching as he bites the inside of his cheek to keep silent. They fall back against the door as their breathing comes back to normal. James cleans them both up while John tries to ask him about the new batch of interns. James just grunts at him with furrowed eyebrows as he straightens out his scrubs, then leaves without a backward glance.

John can’t figure out what the problem is. James wants him, that much is more than obvious, but every time John tries for more, James shuts down. Whether it’s after sex or just in the normal course of the day, any type of civilized conversation is off the table.

He could understand it if they’d somehow managed to get off on the wrong foot. If somehow their dedication to the care of their patients wasn’t on par. But everything John’s seen of James says the James cares, and John knows his own feelings and their ideals mesh. Unless James is a closet case, in which case John needs to do some serious reevaluation. He’s not opposed to being with someone who isn’t out per se, because it’s hard and painful and John would never want to push, but it would take some heartfelt discussions. At this point, John can’t even get a hello.

Sighing at another failed attempt at a conversation, John washes his hands and heads back to the bus. He’s got a long shift ahead of him and his issues with James will still be there later.

***

John has never regretted becoming a paramedic. He’s had good days and bad days alike, days where he’s wanted to scream and rant and rave and pull all his hair out, but he’d never once wished he’d done something else with his life until twenty minutes ago.

Every single one of them have a call that will always strike terror deep inside. For John, it’s officer down, because there’s a chance it’s Billy. When the call comes he can’t explain how he knows, he just does. Its confirmed when they get to the scene and before he can even exit the back of the bus, there are two of Billy’s brothers in blue keeping him from getting out.

“You should sit this one out, John.” It’s Russo who says it, but they all give him a look. Everyone knows how close Billy and John are.

“The fuck I will.” John pushes through to get to Billy’s side.

Carlos is already working on cutting off Billy’s shirt and John can see the blood pumping out from under Billy’s left arm. A single gunshot just below Billy's armpit where their bulletproof vests don’t reach and from the looks of the amount of blood it hit an artery.

John focuses on pushing every thought and feeling that isn’t ingrained training to the back of his mind. He can’t let those emotions loose until Billy is safely in James’s hands. He gets to his knees and works side by side with Carlos to get Billy ready to move.

They get Billy transferred to the backboard and then onto the gurney. They're on the road, sirens wailing in record time. John’s in the back of the bus, radio in hand calling Kings County while Carlos applies hemostat to the wound on Billy's left side to stem the bleeding.

“Get Flint on the hook.” John can hear the shakiness in his own voice. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes for several seconds and then blows it out slowly.

He knows Charles is on tonight and he doesn’t want him to hear what John has to say.

Flint’s voice comes over the radio. “I’m here.”

“Pick up the hook.”

“John, what’s the problem?”

John grits his teeth to try and remain calm and fails spectacularly. “Pick up the goddamn hook, James.”

“I’m here.” The echo is gone and John knows he’s got only James on the other end.

“It’s Billy.”

He’s met with dead silence for several beats before James replies, “Tell me.”

“No exit wound, he’s lost a lot of blood. Bullet went in under the arm, BP is dropping fast. I’m afraid he’s going to code before I can get him there.”

“ETA?” John bangs on the window and asks Kyle how long, he tells James six minutes.

“We’ll be ready.”

John knows the conversation is over so he lets the radio bounce back into place. He places his hands on Billy’s face, “Hang on, Billy, you’re gonna make him earn that God complex tonight.”

Billy’s eyelashes fluttering is the only response he gets. John has seen a hundred gunshot wounds if he’s seen one and this isn’t the worst, but there’s no exit wound and it's impossible to tell how much internal damage was done while the bullet was bouncing around inside Billy’s chest.

They’re a minute and half out when Billy codes. John does compressions while Carlos bags him. John doesn’t bother with the paddles, they won’t have enough time to warm up before they’re screaming into the ambulance bay at Kings. He knows James will have a crash cart ready.

John feels the bus take the turn into the bay and he hops onto the gurney straddling Billy’s waist so he can keep working. John’s own heart is beating double time. Somewhere in his subconscious he recognizes that his arms are getting tired and his hands are starting to cramp but he pushes it all to the back of his mind and keeps counting.

The doors slam open and then the gurney is moving, John still on top of Billy as they pull him out the back. He can see the flurry of activity out of the corner of his eye. He wonders briefly if the entire floor is out here. There’s a hand on his back that John knows instinctively is James and John can feel himself start to relax, can feel the tension in his shoulders start to loosen. Despite whatever differences they may have, John knows that if anyone can save Billy it’s James.

It’s only seconds before they’re rolling into the nearest open exam room and James is helping John down off the gurney. James pulls the paddles for the defibrillator and yells clear.

Billy’s heart comes back online. They wait several seconds to make sure he’s fully back before they’re stripping Billy the rest of the way and transferring him to a new gurney to wheel him up to surgery. John hangs back while Charles and James crowd into the elevator next to the gurney.

After the doors close he drops into a chair in the hallway and closes his eyes. He spends five minutes just breathing, slowing his heart rate, telling himself that he did everything he could. When he looks down he sees his clothes and hands covered in blood and like a punch to the gut he’s up and running for the nearest bathroom. He loses the contents of his stomach. He sits on the cold bathroom floor for fifteen minutes, shaking and sweating, stomach churning as he forces back the tears he won’t let fall.

When he feels he can walk out of the bathroom without falling apart he goes to the nurse's station for a toothbrush. Marlene, one of the aides, hands him one, along with a set a scrubs to change into. When she goes to hug him he backs up and looks down at himself indicating that he’s a mess. She just shakes her head and pulls him in anyway.

He heads to the on-call room to change and wash up. He watches red water swirl down the drain as he washes his hands and this time he can’t stop the sob that escapes him. Billy’s the closest thing he has to family in New York, the closest friend he’s ever had period, and he can’t imagine what his life would be without him. Billy had been the one to drag John kicking and screaming out of a downward spiral that had threatened to take not only his career but his life. John bows his head and lets the tears fall, hands gripping tight to the sides of the sink.

He doesn’t know how long he stays there, but a hand on his back startles him. His eyes snap up to meet James’s in the mirror. James nods his head to the left indicating John should follow him. John washes his face, and takes a few deep breath before following James out into the main room.

James doesn’t wait for John to ask, he just starts talking. “He’s in surgery, x-ray showed the bullet lodged in the muscle after it nicked the artery. No other internal damage done. Recovery is going to be a bitch, the muscle was shredded. He’s going to be in quite a bit of pain but he’ll be okay.”

John has to clear his throat twice before he can answer. “Thanks, for coming down, you didn’t need to, I was going to go up.”

James just nods. They stand there staring at one another for long seconds before John turns to go. James catches his arm and pulls him in. Their mouths meet in a clash of teeth and tongue. The kiss is far from gentle, it’s hard and fast and wet. John’s hands rake down James’s back, his nails catching in the fabric of James’s scrubs.

James scrapes his teeth down John’s neck and John goes hard instantly. He forces his eyes open to look at the door. James has pulled the shade and thrown the lock. John lets himself go, lets himself have the distraction that James can give him.

“Let me fuck you.” James’s voice is raw with need as he works John’s pants down.

John can only nod his head. They’ve never gone this far. There have been fingers, and once James’s tongue, taking him apart inch by inch ending in an orgasm so strong he’d had to let Kyle drive the bus for the rest of their shift because his brain was barely functioning. There have been blow jobs and hand jobs and so much rubbing off against each other, but never this.

But then they’ve never been this desperate before. They never needed the confirmation of life the way they do right now. Billy lies two floors up recovering from what could have been a fatal gunshot wound and John needs to feel something other than fear and panic. He imagines it's the same for James.

He hears James feeling around on the shelves and then he must find what he’s looking for because suddenly he's turning John to face the door and sliding two fingers over John’s hole. John has to muffle his moan in the crook of his arm. James pushes him up against the door, his fingers rubbing and pressing all over John’s eager hole.

James’s mouth latches onto the back of his neck, he can feel James sucking at his skin, raising blood to the surface and then the sharp sting of teeth. John’s whole body spasms, ass tightening against James’s fingers. He’s so fucking close already and James isn’t even inside him yet.

John shoves his ass back into James’s fingers, tries to convey urgency but James is having none of it. He slides his fingers over John slowly, rubbing whatever slick he found all around John’s ass. He taps over John’s hole once and John feels himself flutter open. James pushes in slow and steady and John can’t stifle the moan of satisfaction at being filled.

James’s fingers are long and thick and John shudders as James’s knuckles come to rest flush against John’s ass. John’s panting is loud and fills up the air around them as James works his fingers around slowly. He pulls out and then pushes back in faster each time until he’s fucking them in out steadily, pulling on John’s rim on the outstroke to stretch him.

“You need to get in me now.”

James doesn’t ask if he’s sure, just pulls his fingers free. He hears James slick his cock and then there’s blunt pressure at his hole. John pushes while blowing out a breath and then James is sliding home, barely any resistance at all. The sharp burn makes John gasp but it’s good, it’s so fucking good he could cry. When he realizes it’s skin on skin and there’s nothing between them he’s shocked still for several beats of his heart and then he just can’t care because James is hot and hard inside him and it’s everything he’s wanted for so long.

John braces his legs as James’s body comes flush against his. James’s hands cover his where they’re braced against the door and James twines their fingers together as he starts to move.

The first few strokes are slow, languid, letting John get used to the feel of him. It takes everything John has to remain silent. His lips are pulled into his mouth, his teeth holding them closed. He whimpers as James’s pace increases. He feels every long pull of James’s cock. He can feel the heat and hard press of his cock head. There’s nothing between them and John can’t help but shiver at how good it feels.

James is licking up the side of his neck. He bites at John’s earlobe, and his voice, when it comes, is dark and quiet, “I wish I could hear what you sound like. I want to hear you moan for me.”

And John wants to, God, he wants to open his mouth and let it all out. He wants to tell James how good his cock feels, wants to urge him faster, beg him for harder.

James’s hand comes up, wraps around the front of his throat. His fingers squeeze on John’s neck and John can’t stop the moan, it’s loud and harsh and he doesn’t regret it one bit. Jame’s hips pound into him, driving him against the door as his fingers just get tighter. He feels himself struggle to breathe, huge gasps for air that he knows without a doubt someone on the other side of this door could hear if they were passing by. Pleasure slides along every nerve ending, his cock jerking against his stomach.

James’s other hand tightens on his where they rest against the door. James brings their twined hands down to John’s cock. John is wet and leaking and they stroke him together. Their fingers tight on the head, rubbing up over the slit on every stroke, John feels heat rushing through him, tingling low in his balls as they draw closer to his body. He’s right on the edge, nerves jangling, skin too tight and then James’s voice in his ear as his hand closes tighter around John’s throat.

“Come.” James whispers against his skin.

And John does silently because he can’t get air and there are spots dancing in front of his eyes and he feels his cock jerking and twitching, come sliding down their hands to drop onto his balls. James releases his throat and John is drawing in huge droughts of air, light headed and dizzy as the aftershock rolls through him making his whole body tingle.

James pushes his limp body against the door and fucks him hard and fast as he holds John up. John tries to take his weight back but his knees start to buckle so he just lets himself rest against the door. It rattles on his hinges as James shoves into him over and over, gasping in John’s ear, until finally James cries out and John can feel him pulse hot and deep inside his body and it sends another shiver down John’s spine.

James pulls out fast and John whimpers and staggers backward. James holds him steady and lowers them both to the cold hard floor. John can’t help but curl into James’s arms looking for warmth and comfort and John is almost surprised when James gives it.

He strokes his hand through John’s hair, rubs at the back of his neck and down his spine. They stay tangled together on the floor for so long John starts to doze, body sore and sated. James gets him up and redressed and leads him to one of the cots in the back. John is muzzy and fights being put to bed but James is stronger and wins in the end. He is out before James finishes covering him with a blanket.

He wakes up twelve hours later, James is nowhere to be seen and from what John hears, he left straight away after his shift was over. John heads to Billy’s room, too worried about his friend to be angry at James. When he gets to Billy’s room, Charles is there, half asleep in the chair next to Billy’s bed.

When Charles looks up he’s immediately across the room and pulling John to him. “Thank you for saving him.”

John shakes his head, “It was James, he…”

“Shut up, I saw you on that gurney, John, I saw you covered in his blood. You saved his life.”

John just holds Charles tighter and squeezes his eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. When Charles pulls back he tells John he’s going to get some coffee, that he should go talk to Billy. He pulls the chair up closer to the bed and draws on the back of Billy’s hand.

“You fucking asshole.” That’s as far as he gets before the door opens and James walks in.

John stands and backs up, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

“They took the pentobarbital down this morning, they’re hoping to wake him up later today. He’s out of the woods. Seiver said he’d be in this afternoon, probably release him in a few days.”

John nods his head, not sure what he’s supposed to say or do at this point. James fucked him nearly unconscious yesterday and John doesn’t have a playbook for this.

“Thanks for…” He cuts off and waves toward Billy. James doesn’t say anything, just looks hard at John before sighing and turning to go. John reaches out, puts his hand on James’s arm and James stops short. As he turns to fully face John, he looks down at John’s hand on his arm and then back up to his face with a raised eyebrow. John opens his mouth but nothing comes out, his eyes are caught by James’s and all John can think about is the way James’s hands had felt in his hair last night while they laid on the floor.

He knows he wasn’t imagining the gentleness in the way James had touched him. It had to mean something, even if that something wasn’t what John wants, it had to be more than comfort for the sake of a mutual friend. John wants him to stay, he wants to go back to last night, to the way James held him, the the way James had taken care of him. But he doesn’t know what to say to get them there.

John doesn’t know what to do. James has him completely off center. He’s never been this unsure of himself before, it’s unsettling for him and all he wants to do is talk to James. Even if that means everything else stops, he realizes that he wants James in his life and as more than just a random hook up. Before either of them can say anything, Charles comes back. He looks between them, at the hand John has on James’s arm. James pulls away quickly as John slowly lowers his arm.

Charles hugs James the same way he did John. John watches them talk for several minutes, the camaraderie between them easy and John hates to admit it but he’s jealous. With sudden clarity he understands how Charles must have felt about him before Charles and Billy became an item. Feeling like the odd man out, he quietly walks out of the room. Later Charles texts him, asking him where he went, telling him that Billy is starting to come to.

John goes to see Billy every day for the four days he's admitted. He doesn’t see James and can’t decide if he’s relieved or not. Sometimes he swears he can feel the phantom touch of James’s fingers around his throat and his cock twitches every single time.

***

A week and a half later Billy ropes him into coming for dinner. Charles opens the door at 7:15 before John even knocks. He’s three steps inside the door when he sees James coming out of the kitchen.

John’s whole body goes tense and he stops dead, eyes locking with James’s. Neither of them speak and Charles’s head is on a swivel as he looks first at John, and then at James. The exchange can’t have lasted more than fifteen seconds, but to John it felt like an eternity. He makes a beeline for the back deck where he can see Billy’s head.

As soon as the door whooshes shut behind him he’s turning a glare in Billy’s direction. “What the fuck is he doing here?”

“Charles invited him, I didn’t know until he showed up. Charles has this idea that he needs to thank the two of you for saving my life. I don’t disagree with him either. Can you just be civil for three hours?”

John can feel his mouth fall open, “Me? I’m the one who needs to be civil? You—” John cuts himself off abruptly. BIlly doesn’t know that he’s been civil for eight goddamn months thank you very much and it’s James that has been the dickhead, so he just sighs, “Yeah, Bill, I can be civil for three hours.”

They pass the time until dinner in pairs. Billy and John on the deck, James and Charles at the pool table. Charles is the one on kitchen duty while Billy still has his arm in a sling and half an hour after John gets there Charles calls them for dinner.

He and James are seated next to each other across from Billy and Charles and John doesn’t miss the way Charles keeps looking between them. He’s starting to wonder if Charles knows more than he’s letting on.

The conversation flows freely about everything from how the Rangers will do this year to the two hundred and fifty million dollar endowment Kings County ER just got and how it should be spent. It’s easy for the first half of dinner until Charles gets a text from Evelyn in the ER wanting to know when John’s next shift is.

Billy laughs and James goes completely still next to him.

“She’s still angling to get in your pants? Why are you playing hard to get?” Billy asks.

Before John can answer, James snorts and makes a barely audible comment about John’s STD status being in jeopardy considering the truly staggering number of people he fucks.

John’s head snaps to the side to look at him, “Problem?” John’s had enough of this dinner, of this bullshit with James, with the whole thing. Without thinking he continues, “because it didn’t seem to matter to you a few weeks ago when you were fucking me without a condom.”

Charles’s fork drops to his plate and Billy chokes on the broccoli he just put in his mouth. James turns to stare at him, eyes wide.

But John’s not done, “And while we’re on the subject of my apparently overactive libido, where exactly did you get this idea that I sleep with everyone I meet?” John asks.

“Oh, fuck.” Charles’s strangled words draw everyone’s attention.

“You? You told him I sleep around?” John’s voice holds more hurt than anger. He and Charles hadn’t started off on the right foot but they’d come a long way in terms of becoming friends, especially after Charles and Billy had become serious.

“I didn’t mean it that way. It was a joke.” He turns to James, “If I had known you were asking because you were interested I wouldn’t have said it. It was a long time ago. Jesus, I’m so sorry.”

“And you just took whatever he said as fact? Didn’t bother to find out for yourself?” John crosses his arms over his chest as James looks away and then down to his lap.

“How long has this...you two, been going on?” Billy finally asks.

“Almost a year. And just in case you were all wondering, since we’re getting everything out in the open, I haven’t slept with anyone else but you in that entire time.” John stabs his finger in James’s direction.

“You fucked him without a condom?” Charles voice is a mix of awe and incredulity.

“I know he’s clean, he wouldn’t still be active duty if he wasn’t.” James shoots back.

And they all know it’s true. Three years ago, FDNY instituted a policy about all their public servants. Mandatory drug and STD tests every three months. If you’re dirty even once, you’re out. John has never fucked anyone without a condom except James. He’d been the first, and he’ll be the last.

“I was right when I said you wanted to date him.” Billy’s staring straight at him when he says it and John doesn’t deny it this time.

“Yeah. Doesn’t matter now though does it because he can’t be bothered to talk to me.” John scoots his chair back and stands up, “Well, this has been great fun, but I’m on tomorrow. Be sure and tell Evelyn won’t you.” John aims the comment at Charles who has the sense to look embarrassed.

James catches his arm as he passes, “Wait.”

“No, I’m done waiting.” He pulls his arm free and heads to the door.

He hears the three of them bickering as he goes. Billy berating James, and Charles apologizing again. After John closes the door behind him, he leans against it for several long minutes to catch his breath.

Pushing off the door he walks the three blocks to the subway. Instead of talking to John, James had decided to just believe the bullshit rumors that were years old. His phone vibrates in his pocket. It’s a lengthy message from Charles; part apology and part plea for John to give James a chance to explain.

 _Fat chance of that._ James had eight and a half months to explain things to John. John shuts his phone off and tucks it into his back pocket.

***

He doesn’t see James for a week, whether they’re just working opposites or whether James is avoiding him, John doesn’t know nor does he care. He figures the less he sees of James the better. He’ll never get over him if he’s running into him around every corner.

Charles has apologized every time he’s seen John since Saturday. John forgave him the first time, but made Charles sweat it out two more days before telling him he was forgiven. John knows the fault lies with James. James was the one that had decided John’s character before ever giving him a chance.

The first time John sees James at the hospital since the weekend, he turns and heads right back to the bus before James can see him. He’s not so lucky the next time and James all but chases him into the ambulance bay before John can escape.

This happens twice more. Once John escapes into an elevator, the second time John just keeps circling the floor until he manages to con Jeanine into paging James so he can get away.

The pattern holds for two more weeks. James pursuing and John avoiding until exactly three weeks from the dinner of doom, as John like to refer to it in his head.

John’s standing in his kitchen waiting for a pizza delivery. When the knock comes, the last thing he’s expecting when he opens the door is James on the other side. He goes to close the door before James can speak but James’s hand shoots out and stops him, “We need to talk.”

John snorts. “That’s rich, coming from you.”

James takes a deep breath before saying, “I’m an ass, I know, can we just…” He trails off and motions to the inside of John’s apartment. John figures that James won’t go away if he’s gone to enough trouble to find out where John lives. He might as well let him say his peace so John can get on with his night and his life.

He heaves a sigh and opens the door walking back to the kitchen, not turning to see if James is following. He’s leaning against the sink when James comes in and settles against the cabinets directly across from him. He flicks his hand at John, “You want to finish getting dressed?”

John looks down at himself. He’s shirtless and shoe-less, a pair of old sweats hanging loosely from his hips. When he looks back up he doesn’t miss the way James’s eyes are focused on his chest or the slight quickening of James’s breath. He sure as fuck doesn’t miss the way James’s tongue flicks out to lick his lips like he’s thinking about what John tastes like. John just shrugs, “I am dressed.”

He hears James sigh and John smiles, thinking that it’s about time that he has the upper hand. If James wants to barge into John’s space he’s going to have to deal with the body he couldn’t keep his hand off of for months. John’s not a narcissist but he knows he’s put together well and he’s not above using that to his advantage.

They stand in John’s kitchen across from one another, neither saying a word until James finally rubs a hand over his face and asks, “Do you remember the first time we saw each other?”

John just nods and James continues.

“It was that pile up on 27, a school bus full of kids had us all on edge. We were working on that girl and you looked at me and I felt it. This pull between us. The immediate shock of want. But I didn’t get a chance to see you again, except in passing, so I asked Charles about you. I apparently didn’t ask the right questions, because what he told me wasn’t incredibly flattering, and yes, instead of finding out for myself, I just believed the rumors. So I avoided you, until that guy you came in with who was in arrest.”

John turns his eyes down. He hates losing patients, it’s part of the job, and it’s taken him a long time and too many bottles of booze to accept it, but he finally has. It’s still the worst part for him, he knows it’s the worst part for all of them, but he’s had an especially hard time compartmentalizing it they way the rest of them can.

“I saw you working on that guy and I thought for sure you knew him. Your face, your eyes, everything about you gave off an air of ‘this person matters to me.’ So I thought for sure it was your father, your grandfather, your neighbor. But then I found out he wasn’t. He was just one of the thousands of people you see every year. Just a random guy. But the way you worked on him, and your anguish at not saving him, it struck a chord with me and I couldn’t resist anymore. We were both high on adrenaline and I wanted you so damn much.”

James pauses, eyes on the floor, he sighs before continuing, “I figured it would be a one-off. And then I kept seeing you with patients, day in and day out. Everywhere I turned, there you were. I saw you with that woman, she was 70 and had dementia. She was combative and irrational and she kept trying to hit you and you just...Jesus, John, you just sat there and took it. Talking to her with the patience of a thousand fucking saints and when she thought you were her grandson, you held her hand and told her stories until her family showed up and I...I couldn’t stay away. So I figured fine, just sex then. if I didn’t get to know you, I’d be safe, I’d be protected.”

“Protected from what?”

“Falling in love with you. I know myself. If I’d taken the time to get to know you, it would have been damn near instantaneous. What Charles told me, it tainted everything I saw. You went to the supply closet with Jacob, you were fucking. You walked Karen to her car, you were fucking. I made every excuse I could find to keep myself at a distance from you. I didn’t want to get hurt. I convinced myself you were only out for yourself and any feelings I’d have for you would have never been returned.”

John laughs bitterly. “Christ you’re an asshole. One day you should ask Charles why he hated me for the first six months we knew each other. It’s something we got past, but I think he still has a knee jerk reaction to my name everytime he hears it...obviously.” James doesn’t say anything just stares at John from across the room. John pushes himself away from the sink, “Well if this little trip down memory lane is done, I have a pizza on the way and a war movie marathon to start.”

James snags John’s wrist as he tries to pass. “It didn’t work.”

John turns his head and his eyes meet James’s and the wealth of emotion there is startling. The shock of what he see makes his voice whisper soft, “What didn’t work?”

“Keeping my distance. I fell in love with you anyway, every single day as I watched you care for people and treat them as if their well being was as important to you as that of your own family. I fell in love with you through the stories of every single person who knows you because those people didn't know I was trying to keep my distance. They told me about you buying everyone on night shift mace and personal alarms.They told me about the storm three years ago where you spent all night driving family members to and from the hospital on Christmas so their kids wouldn’t be alone. They told me all the things I never wanted to know.”

John is frozen to the spot, his eyes hooked and held by James’s. He doesn’t put up a single protest when James turns them and then presses John back against the cabinets. He’s so close that John can count the individual freckles across James’s nose. James leans in and John’s eye fall closed on their own accord when James’s hands come up to cup his face. Instead of the kiss he’s expecting, James bypasses his lips and puts his mouth right next John’s ear.

“And then there were the things that you told me. The way your breath stops when I kiss you here,” James places a soft kiss to the skin directly beneath John’s ear and John’s breath does indeed stop. “The way you shiver when I touch you here.” James runs his thumb over John’s left nipple and true to form a shiver runs down John’s spine.

James continues, “The way your body fits against mine. Like it was meant to be there.” To prove his point James lines them up, shoulder to ankle and every gap is filled. Every empty space that James has John’s body fits into perfectly. John’s breath stutters and arousal slides thickly through his veins. James slides his nose back along John’s jaw until his mouth is hovering over John’s.

Their lips are are only inches apart and John can feel James’s hot damp breath ghosting across his mouth, “The way you say my name when we’re like this.”

And like a siren that John can’t resist he lifts his face that last inch and says James’s name softly. John feels the moan that James lets go of as much as he hears it when James finally slides their mouths together. John feels a tremor start at the top of his spine as James’s hands slide into his hair.

James’s tongue wraps around his, hot and insistent, pulling it back into James’s own mouth for him to suck on. He nips at John’s bottom lip. Takes it between his teeth and pulls before soothing the sting with a flick of his tongue.

James breaks the kiss to drag his tongue down John’s neck. He sucks hard against the pulse rabbiting in John’s throat. John tilts his head to the side, gives James more room as his body presses closer. James insinuates a leg between John’s thighs. He presses up and the pressure on John’s half hard cock makes him groan. He rocks down against James’s thigh, his cock coming to full hardness and throbbing in time to his heartbeat.

“Are you still angry with me?” James asks against John’s neck.

“Yes.” John all but gasps the word.

“Do you want me to stop?” John can hear the smile in James’s voice.

“Stop and I’ll kill you.”

James lets out a short huff before dropping to his knees. He nuzzles along John’s trapped cock, eyes closed, a look of pure pleasure lighting up his features. He mouths over the head, flicks his tongue out to lick at John through two layers of fabric. John locks his knees, legs shaking as James runs his mouth along the length of him. John’s hands burrows into James’s hair as John’s head drops back and bangs against the cabinet. He can’t stop the moan when James sucks on the head through his sweats, the rough cotton of his underwear scraping over the sensitive flesh.

John’s hips push forward trying to get more friction, grinding his cock against James’s open mouth. James’s hands come up and pull John’s sweats and underwear down in one go. John’s cock rubs against James’s check, leave a sticky trail in it’s wake. James chases it with his tongue, licks down one side, sucks John’s balls briefly before licking back up and taking the head in his mouth. John moans at the hot, wet feel of James's tongue licking over the slit. James bobs his head, up and down in a torturously long slow drag that makes John curse.

He’s so lost to the pleasure of James’s mouth that it takes him a few seconds to realize there’s someone banging on his door. James pulls off, lips slick and already a little swollen. “Your pizza’s here.”

“Fuck the pizza.” John pants.

“Oh no, it seemed incredibly important just a few minutes ago, no backing out now.” James rises more gracefully than anyone should have the right to and heads toward the door as John stands in his kitchen, pants pooled around his ankles, trying to catch his breath.

John decides that two can play this game. He kicks off his clothes and walks out into the living room. James is paying for the pizza as John strolls leisurely toward the couch, one excruciatingly slow step at a time. The kid standing on the other side of the door looks up just in time to see John walk by and John isn’t bothered in the least with the way the kid’s head cranes around James to keep watching.

James notices the delivery guy’s distraction and turns around to see John settle into the middle of the couch, naked as the day he was born, cock hard, legs spread wide with a filthy smile. James shoves the money at the guy, takes the pizza and slams the door.

The pizza doesn’t make it past the small table next to John’s front door as James makes a beeline for him hurriedly pulling off clothes with every step. He’s naked by the time he reaches the couch and wastes no time climbing into John’s lap, legs straddling his hips. He takes John’s mouth in a hard kiss, tongue shoving into John’s mouth, stroking tongue against tongue. James rubs his hips forward and John hisses at how good the friction of James’s cock feels against his.

James reaches down and takes John’s cock in his hand. John’s hips jerk up at the tight press of James’s palm against his cock head. John pushes up into James’s hand, feels himself twitch. He groans out loud at how fucking good it feels, cock flushed with blood and so sensitive to every touch, he starts leaking over James’s fingers.

When he looks up, James’s gaze is focused on John’s cock sliding in and out of his hand. “I want you to fuck me, right here, want to ride you.” James’s voice is raw, like he’s had John’s cock in his throat for most of the night. John has to squeeze his hand around the base of his cock to keep from coming at just the thought of it.

John sits forward and reaches to the side, opening the drawer of the end table next to him, he pulls out a short squat bottle. Without looking at James he says, “I don’t have condoms in here.”

“I think we’re past that. I haven’t slept with anyone but you and you haven’t either.”

John nods, some of the residual anger at James for believing Charles falling away at his complete and utter trust in John’s words a few weeks ago. John flicks the lid open with his thumb and wets down several fingers on his other hand. James gets to his knees, hands on the back of the couch next to John’s shoulders.

With his eyes trained on James’s face, John slides one slick finger over James’s hole. James’s eyes flutter closed, his mouth falls opens just slightly on a soft moan. John rubs his fingers around, getting James wet from his balls to the top of his ass before he pushes just the tip of his middle finger in.

It pops in easy but James is so fucking tight that John can only imagine how that’s going to feel around his cock. He works his finger in and out, inch by inch until his palm is resting flat against James’s body and John’s whole finger is encased in exquisite heat. James swivels his hips and bounces a few times before asking for more.

John adds more slick and goes back with two fingers. He strokes softly over James’s hole, feels James’s body clench against his fingertips before opening just slightly trying to draw him in.

By the time he’s worked both fingers back in and he’s building a steady rhythm James is pressing back against him, head braced on John’s shoulders as his hips work in counter to John’s hand. His breath is hot where it ghosts down John’s chest raising goosebumps in its wake and his cock is leaving sticky smears all over John’s stomach. John’s own cock aches with how hard he is.

His fingers pull and slide, stretching James out as best he can in this position until James is pulling his hand away and sitting up, telling John, “Now, please, now.” Voice needy and low.

John slicks his cock, hissing at the feel of his own hand sliding over hot skin. He holds himself still while James starts to sink down. James’s head goes back, mouth open, breath panting out as he screws himself down on the head of John’s cock.

He’s so fucking tight and hot and god, John has to grit his teeth and close his eyes, body held rigidly still, hands clenched on the edge of the couch cushion, breathing fast through his nose to keep from pushing up and fucking in the way his body is demanding. James’s cock goes just slightly soft as the head of John's cock finally pops in. Once he’s past the ridge James sinks down slow and steady seating himself fully.

They’re both breathing heavy and covered in a fine layer of sweat as they sit there completely still. The only movement being John’s hands as they rub up and down James’s thighs, nails scratching lightly against the pale thickly muscled skin.

James’s whole body is tensed, right down to the hot clench of his ass on John’s cock as he lets himself get used to the feeling. With no warning James’s rolls his hips down and John loses his breath.

“Oh, fuck, James.” John’s nails dig into James’s hips as he starts to move. John pushes his head back into the couch, eyes squeezed shut tightly as he tries to hold on. John knew it would be good, but he didn’t know it would be this good.

James starts a stuttering rhythm and John can’t stop himself from pushing up every time James’s lifts himself. It’s slow and shallow at first, James getting used to it, testing the give of his own body. His hands are on John’s shoulders, fingers squeezing, as he starts to ride John faster.

John opens his eyes and watches the look of complete abandon on James’s face. His eyes are closed, bottom lip pulled between his teeth, flushed all the way down his chest and John thinks he’s as beautiful as he’s ever been, freckles standing out against alabaster skin, pert rosy nipples that John has to taste.

He leans in and licks across one and then the other. James moans above him, rhythm faltering for just a second before he picks it back up faster. His body rolls down onto John and John loves the play of muscle in James's abdomen, loves the way his body undulates, hips moving smoothly like its a dance.

John scoots down further on the couch to get his legs under him fully. He plants his feet apart and fucks up into James. He holds James still above him, hands tight on James’s hips as James leans forward, face planted in John’s neck. John’s close but he wants James to come first.

“Touch yourself.”

James licks his palm reaches down and takes his cock in a tight grip, hand moving fast, fingers squeezing at the wet red head, stroking over the slit and thumbing at the tight bundle of nerves on the underside. John curls his hips, changes the angle and James moans, a low strangled sound in the back of his throat.

“Right there. Fuck yes. Faster.”

James’s hand moves lightening quick, his breath turning ragged, John feels him start to shudder and then his other hand tightens on John’s shoulder, nails digging in, breaking the skin and then James is coming over his fist, hot streaks hitting John’s chest as James gasps for breath above him. He sinks down onto John, ass like a vice around John’s cock as he rocks back and forth, hips rolling, grinding down hard, drawing his orgasm out.

John can barely move, his hips trapped and James’s ass is so tight it's almost painful and then James leans up just a bit, bites into John’s neck and John’s hips jerk up hard.

He fucks into James fast, no rhythm at all just pushing in, in, in. John feels his cock get harder, feels himself swelling and twitching inside James’s ass, starts to pull out but James sits back and bounces on him, ass slapping against John’s thighs, as he rides him hard, hands planted on John’s chest for leverage as he works John’s orgasm from him.

John goes off like a shot, cock pulsing, body going rigid, a shout at the ceiling as the tight channel of James’s ass milks him dry. His whole body jerks and he swears he can see flashing lights and hear sirens wailing. His fingers are clenched on James’s thighs so tight he thinks he might leave behind a bruise or two. James doesn’t seem to mind as he collapses forward onto John’s chest.

John manages to get them horizontal, James sprawled out on top of him as they catch their breath. The little wounded moan James makes when John slips free of his ass has John’s cock twitching halfheartedly.

“I love you too. I’m still angry, but I’ll let you make it up to me.” John teases.

James laughs, “How very generous of you.”

An hour later, after a very long round of showers, they’re eating reheated pizza while John introduces James to his war movie obsession.


End file.
